Cinema Sub Terra

SLITHIS

1978: Yet another Jaws knockoff - better than Blood Beach, but not quite up to Humanoids from the Deep, as if anybody cares - it's Slithis, the story of a

dissatisfied teacher/aspiring reporter who plunges into the seedy night world of the Slithis. Turns out Slithis is a strange radioactive substance that does whatever the script requires. But why the name Slithis? "Because it's a name that emanates from the very bowels of our souls," says the hero, "a name that echoes down the dark corridors of our minds like some great, seething ourobourous, reeling in its inability to unleash itself from its own tail and strike out at our quivering, feeble consciousnesses." Actually, the name is never explained; I just made that up. Anyway, Hero hooks up with that jive-talkin' funnyman, Ethnic Sterotype (who actually seems like

something of a real thespian, but who also seems to have no conception whatsoever of the total one-dimensionality of his role. He's about as believeable delivering his jive-talk as Sir Ralph Richardson would be singing honky tonk music). Anyway, after everybody but Hero and Ethnic S. are killed, they manage to capture the Slith-ster and kill him. And then, in a move that's both intelligent and sensible, E.S. convinces Hero to throw the body overboard! What??? It's almost the only proof they have that Slithis ever even existed! It's what half the cast fought and died for! And now that Slithis is dead, they're just going to throw him overboard??? Well, they do throw him, but of course, he comes back and gets them both. Serves those idiots right, I say! Back

THE SNAKE PEOPLE

1971: One of Boris Karloff's four last films, all of which were made simultaneously, with Karloff's scenes shot by director Jack Hill in the states and the rest put together south of the border by Juan Ibanez (who, unsurprisingly, had a heart attack. Four movies at once? Talk about asking for it). Voodoo witch cults abound on a remote island (although everything looks very, very Mexican, from the costumes to the scenery to the peasants). Although the back of the video box says that there's some LSD involved, I never noticed it; then again, it's tough to stay riveted through ninety minutes of mostly tedium. Mexican locations add a sliver of atmosphere, and there's a cool little guy in a tux who's involved in the voodoo ceremonies, but really, this movie ain't much. Back

SPECTREMAN VS. ZERON AND MEDRON

1985: Episodes of a great Japanese TV show that makes Infra-Man and his contemporaries look like Lawrence of Arabia! The ratty-looking Specreman costume is hilarious as the robo-man fights stop-motion dragons and other assorted beasties. The use of stop-motion, however amateurish, is pretty surprising, since they normally stuck exclusively to guys in suits for this sort of thing. In one episode, a gorilla man is exiled from space and comes to earth dressed in a bright orange wrap like some ageing grandmother. His boss is a blond-haired, green monkey man. Silly kung-fu fights and zany monsters add up to one slamming viewing experience. Credited as director, oddly enough, is Mel Welles (Lady Frankenstein, Man-Eater of Hydra; he also played Mushnik in the original Little Shop of Horrors). If you can find this or any of the other Spectreman tapes, be sure to grab them while you can. Back

SWAMP OF THE LOST MONSTER

1964: Dirt cheap Mexican production about a cowboy trying to solve a mystery that involves a crummy looking, scaly monster. Unfortunately, it turns out that the monster's just a dude in a suit -- it's all a ruse being used in a sinister plan to cheat cash from some wealthy matron, or something. I've seen this twice and I still can't remember. It's absolute trash, but if you can sit through this one without falling asleep, fast-forwarding, or wanting to die, then you must rank among the most stalwart of bad movie watchers. So give yourself a high-five - you deserve it! Back