Cinema Sub Terra

CAPTIVE WILD WOMAN

1943: Sure, she's one foxy lady, but don't cross that crazy Captive Wild Woman! She'll turn into an ape and go on a bloody rampage before you even know what's going on. John Carradine (ever heard of him? He was in one or two of these movies) plays a scientist who turns a gorilla into a human girl a la M'sieur Moreau. But before you view the movie, there are three things you must know about the Captive Wild Woman. One - She is a CAPTIVE! Two - She is WILD! And three ... she is played by ACQUANETTA, an "actress" who just stands around and doesn't talk. Doesn't anyone - our hero, the lion tamer, or his jealous gal pal - wonder why this ditzy dame can't speak? I mean, she's a flippin' mute gorilla woman, fer gawrsh sake! But I can't disrespect this movie -- It's got stock footage of LION TAMING from another movie!!! And it's got good ape woman makup, courtesy Jack Pierce (Frankenstein, The Wolf Man), and it's only an hour long. So, all in all, it's about as good a movie as you could reasonably expect with a title like Captive Wild Woman. WILD! Back

CAT WOMEN OF THE MOON

1953: A 3-D camp classic about a group of astronauts who find giant spiders and cat women in an ancient city on the moon (the moon's atmosphere, of course, is conveniently breatheable). Any movie with a giant spider can't be all bad, and even though the 3-D is headache-inducing and eyesight-destroying, you can't miss this. Square-jawed astro-men teach those love-starved cat ladies a thing or two, and man, that big spider never gets old. Watch this one, then watch it again. With music by Elmer Bernstein (Robot Monster, Airplane, lots of other stuff). Back

THE CHURCH

1989: Typical Euro-horror has good visuals, good atmosphere, good music, and a plot so dumb that you can feel your brain oozing out your ear as you watch. A coven of Satan-worshippers is killed by crazed Teutonic knights and a church is built on the site of their mass grave (great idea -- didn't thse losers see Poltergeist?). Years later, weird stuff starts to happen in the church. For one thing, a guy unleases a grey goat monster that looks like it wandered in from a post-fallout version of Sesame Street, and a woman mistakenly tears up her own face (oops!). Eventually, a pile of dead bodies emerges from the floor in the shape of the devil's head ... but that's long after this sensless bore has lost all vestiges of coherency. Still, the music and atmosphere make it worth a look on a slow afternoon, when you need some excuse to procrastinate.. Back

THE CRATER LAKE MONSTER

1977: Although this cheap movie is allegedly about a giant dinosaur terrorizing a small community, most of the running time is taken up by the escapades of two comic relief-providing hillbilly drunkards. It's more like there's two or three bits of dinosaur relief amidst the endless adventures of these moonshine-swillin' doofuses. But who'd want to watch some dinosaur when they can see these two buffons sit around and drink themselves into a stupor? See, a meteor crashes into the lake, warming a dinosaur egg buried deep beneath its surface, and, well, you know the drill. There's really, really bad acting in the bit roles (especially the "British" guy with a highly believeable "accent" that's there some of the time, but not most of the time). The dino doesn't show up until the end, and it's a decent stop-motion creation (courtesy David Allen), but this is one of those movies where the same two names - in this case, William R. Stromberg and Richard Cardella - pretty much make up the credits all by themselves. It's pretty much on a level with that other 'stop- motion dinosaurs/scraggly haired amateur actors' video shelf perennial, PLANET OF DINOSAURS. Back