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| BATTLE
OF THE WORLDS |
1961:
Mind-meltingly dumb, boring story about a (yawn) planet coming
to hit Earth ... As usual, nobody listens to the scientist who
knows what's going on (this was the early sixties, so scientists
themselves could still be hero-types. It was only later on,
post-Easy Rider, that the heroes all became beleaguered
Average Joes). Claude (The Invisible Man) Rains - probably
 wishing
he could be invisible again - is the scientist, and a bunch
of Italian actors play everyone else (it was made in Italy,
you see). Directed by Antonio Margheriti (aka Anthony Dawson),
this plays pretty much like War of the Planets, Wild,
Wild, Planet, and many other spaghetti sci-fis of the time,
only much, much duller. Nothing really happens untl the very
end, when they finally get inside the approaching planet and
find the remains of some ancient alien race (read: a bunch of
charred rag dolls). Don't be fooled like I was and pick this
one up just because it's lying in the bargain bin! Trust me,
it's only safe to buy unless it's cheaper than a blank tape,
in which case, by all means, go ahead ... Just don't watch any
of it before you tape over it! Back |
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| THE
BLOODY DEAD |
| 1971:
This is actually The Creature with the Blue Hand, one
of a long series of films based on stories by Edgar Wallace
made in Germany during the sixties and early seventies. The
story involves a set of twins (Klaus Kinski), a sinister doctor
who runs an insane asylum, and murders committed by someone
wearing a metal claw-like glove. But the video company added
in some hilariously dumb new footage, inserting a subplot about
a couple of wackos living in the asylum who kill a nurse and
an orderly. The new footage has nothing to do with the original
story, and it's not dubbed, whereas the original movie is, and,
as you might expect, the new film format looks somewhat different
(if it was even shot on film at all). The first scene of the
movie is one of the new ones, and it involves these two insane
guys feasting on some corpse. That's really too bad, because
it makes the upcoming movie look a lot worse than it is. In
fact, this is a decent, pulpy thriller with the usual Edgar
Wallace elements (big, scary houses, family curses, masked killers,
etc), and it's really not so bad at all. It's just kind of perplexing
trying to figure out what the gory bits with the two crazy guys
have to do with anything, before you realize that they actually
don't have anything to do with anything. It's sometimes
too bad that movies like this get no respect, but the idea of
adding shot-on-video gore scenes does have merit ... maybe someone
should add a few to video versions of How Stella got her
Groove Back and Hope Floats, just for to see if anyone
notices.Back |
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| THE
BOOGEYMAN |
| 1980:
Ulli Lommel, who worked with Fassbinder, "went Hollywood"
with this HALLOWEEN knockoff about pieces of a cursed mirror
that cause pretty much whatever the plot requires. There's also
a bit of EXORCIST aping as star Suzanna Love (Lommel's wife)
becomes posessed by the spirit of her mother's depraved lover
(don't ask). The story is an absolute, utter mess; it took three
people (Lommel, Love, and some other guy) to write this script,
and it still veers around from one incident to the next in total,
utter confusion. Still, THE BOOGEYMAN ain't too bad, as the
photography is very nice - particularly in the opening sequence,
which uses garish primary colours a la SUSPIRIA - and the gore
scenes are reasonably blood-tacular. Nothing great, but fairly
entertaining, and a notch above the usual slasher slurry. Back |
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| THE
BRAINIAC |
| 1961:
A great, great, great movie about a 16th century warlock, burned
at the stake, who returns 300 years later in the form of a hairy,
brain-sucking, fork-tongued monster who comes out of a meteor
(What did I tell you? Great!) He takes on human form and begins
tracking down the descendants of the people who killed him.
Of course, as in every plot like this, the descendants look
exactly like their ancestors, thus making it easier for
everyone to identify them. The monster keeps the sucked-out
brains in a large, covered dish in a drawer. At one point, he
nonchalantly begins to feast on the brains as if they're a bunch
of pate. Eventually, though, two comic relief cops hunt him
down with flamethrowers and burn him back to oblivion. Well,
the plot summary says it all, doesn't it? Buy this one today,
and make sure to get extra copies for all your friends and relatives.
Believe me you, they'll thank me for it! Back |
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Text
copyright 2000 by Conall Pendergast
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